Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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