all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Randomize