So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
