I'm pants shitting drunk right now
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You ate ashes out of my bong
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
