New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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