A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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