Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
not ubering you a puppy
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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