Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
