Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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