at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
