Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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