Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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