You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
