I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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