can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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