I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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