How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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