I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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