youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
