I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
