a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
