on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
