I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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