apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
