I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Drake has all the answers
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
