we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
