my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
