I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Less talking, more tequila
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
