Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
They took my balls.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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