apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
