The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
