My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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