Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
There's always time for handjobs
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
