dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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