you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
