I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
