I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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