Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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