im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
