we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm getting married
To pizza
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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