I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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