I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize