Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
