Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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