sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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