oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
