Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
