my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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