Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
