All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize