did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
