Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
