Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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