Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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