I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
