i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
