She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
