had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
