my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
