my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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