false alarm. still invincible.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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