Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
