Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
