Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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