you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
