im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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