I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
