Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I need to stop coming to work sober
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
