I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Did I show you my penis last night?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
